Alex Rider and the Four SAS Men
by anybodynobodysomebody
Summary: A parody with Snow White and the seven dwarves, in which Alex Rider is Snow White. Crack!fic.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I had this random idea and had to write it down**

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Once upon a time there lived a grey man called Alan blunt.

Everything about him was grey; His face, his life but not his job. He was head of Special Operations in Military Intelligence sector 6 but somehow he managed to make even that grey and dull and boring.

One day he was reading over his usual set of dull paper work that managed to look grey on his hands even though they were actually a blinding white. He put them on the grey desk in front of him and they went back to their normal almost glowing blinding white.

He then put a finger on them and they immediately stopped.

The grey papers said that two more of his spy's had died.

He didn't care particularly about the agents he cared about the failed operation. The agents were dead who cared.

He looked at the grey pigeon snoozing on the triple glazed sound proof windows' grey sill and then at the cloudy grey night time sky.

A white shooting star had found a crack in the dull grey clouds and was proudly shooting its whiteness along.

In a weird moment of white sentimentality, he connected with its whiteness, and wished for the 'best spy ever,' then the moment was over and the white star stopped glowing and being white and became grey too knowing that there would never be such a man so the man wishing upon her would be emotionless for the rest of his life unless his wish came true, and really, what were the chances of that?

Meanwhile Blunt did his best to forget the brief glimpse of colorful emotion he had had and how good and colorful it had felt, until he did and never felt emotion except grayness again.

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**A/N: YES I know its short but i already have the next chapter typed up and i can update way faster this way **

**I hope you like it.**

**LAZY REVIEW CODE (LRC):**

**y = yes**

**n = no**

**o = ok**

**f = fabulous / fantasic**

**a = awful**

**PS longer reviews are much apreciated**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Enjoy...**

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Sherbam Malone was a good spy.

He had been at it for a couple of years and had managed to work his way up into the second best spot in the world.

Then the best spy died and suddenly everyone wanted to know him and have him doing their operations.

He loved it.

And then someone overtook him. And suddenly no one liked him or cared about him except those who weren't good enough to see or know or use the best.

He got one of his adorers Anthony Howell to kill them by placing a bomb in the plane taking them to their supposedly new safe spyless life, but he knew it was a lie. You couldn't get away that easily.

How was he to know that by doing that he would make two spies even better than him?

Over the years he gradually slipped into the shadows, keeping in track of the best spy only through his all-knowing database.

Every day he would ask it 'Database, Database on the web, who is the best spy of them all?' And each day the database would answer 'you are the best spy of them all'.

This made Sherbam very happy and each time someone overtook him they would be killed in circumstances that were all too common among spies. Assassinations.

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**A/N: please don't tell me how bad it is. I already know but i am enjoying writing it so who the hell cares. And the summary sucks too.**

**Also i am going to keep the chapters at this length and update daily.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Its still terrible but give it a chance i haven't got to the action yet**

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Thirteen years after the death of John Rider, Alan Blunt was sitting behind his grey desk looking at today's dull paperwork.

It was a pity Johns brother had died, he was the only one that could have possibly completed Blunts wish. For a while John Rider had filled the post and Blunt had been able to feel the tiniest twinge of orange satisfaction* after John returned almost unharmed from missions that had been marked as suicidal by any other agency.

But that was the most he had felt.

Ian hadn't managed to make him do even that. Yes, he had been a good operative but he had always stuck to the rule book so closely and he hadn't had that Rider curiosity that Blunt attributed with John Rider that enabled him to do so well all the time.

Then he saw the boy. Alex.

And he instantly knew that finally there may be a person who could fill the post of 'best spy ever' and return his emotions.

Surviving SAS training that most 20 year olds in their prime wouldn't be able to do and he was a untrained 14 year old (well, almost untrained). When he saw that he felt just a tiny bit thrilled and then he shot the PM after getting his enemy to heli him across London and parachuting for the first time into an event that was going to change education in London forever.

And it just stuck with him. You know what I mean?

He felt for the first time in 14 years.

And it was all due to a certain boy called Alex Rider who he would never let go.

Even through death.

Because he could feel.

And he cared.

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**A/N: Ya. It was bad. Soo... tell me what you think about blunts feelings. it is set after Scorpia Rising like all of my other stories will be.**

***yes i did just call satisfaction orange**


	4. Chapter 4

*1 years later* (Alex is just over 15)

It was another grey day for Sherbam as he did his usual routine.

After checking the black market for demand and his super special unhackable phone for jobs, he went to his all-knowing database and asked it once again 'Database, Database on the web, who is the best spy of them all?' but to his surprise the database made a processing sound this had been making Sherbam worried scince for the past year it had been taking longer and longer for it to answer, then it said 'Alex Rider is the best spy of them all'

Sherbam was angry the database had betrayed him even though it wasn't alive.

On it he looked up Rider and found himself in awe at the things the man had done. Shot the PM of England; trained with the SAS; swam with man eating sharks and a Portuguese man of war; stopped nuclear war; been into _space _(that was a _little_ hard to believe); joined SCORPIA and then left; survived an assassination attempt by SCORPIA; snowboarded down the alps on an ironing board; base jumped alone into a secure compound.

And at the end he came to a file of pictures and was shocked to see that this was all done in just under a year and the person who had done it was a minor and had recently had his 15th birthday and completed his _apparently_ last mission.

Sherbam was angry that he had been bettered by a 15 year old and began planning the same thing he had done to all those others who were better than him while digging for people who would be willing to do the job Sherbam found an unusual link Anthony Howell, one of the others who had bettered him even though they were his agent, was Riders godfather and the killer of the boy's parents.

A while later he found a willing hit squad as he had decided that one wouldn't be enough he had already survived two by single assassins.

He couldn't wait until this obstacle was removed; he had heard that if he killed him he would be very highly regarded by many organisations criminal _and_ legal organisations.

It would be so exiting

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**A/N: Next time: the action at last or at least some of it**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This was very difficult but immensely fun to write so I really hope you like it. **

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The sandy blond moody teenager walked along the dark grey pavement his head hung to avoid the bright sunlight after the dimness of the small windowless room that the staff called a careers consulting office.

His skin was a vampire white after his long hours in front of a computer screen, his lips a dark red from the last time he had been punched there and mysterious eyes that you could lose yourself in. in fact he looked exactly like a vampire, if you excluded the deep bad under his eyes, someone that crept into your nightmares and shouted boo from underneath your favorite teddy.

Any way the moody teenager was walking along the dark grey pavement trying not to step on the cracks but still go as fast as possible, when he heard a sound interrupt the peaceful twittering of the birds and crickets (there were no bees in Chelsea).

It was the perfectly ordinary sound of a rifle being cocked. The boy carried on walking then jumped behind a small wall that guarded someones front garden just as the bullets hit the bricks, as they touched the bricks exploded in joy at finding their dream husbands (only husbands go to war).

The moody teenager then began to run in uncoordinated zigzags like a baby kitten after a ball of wool. The bullets buzzed like bees after him (these were the only type of bees in Chelsea).

Suddenly as he rounded the corner the moody teenager came across a pretty white picket fence. Beyond the fence there was a perfect lawn edged by sunny sunflowers and rosy roses.

The moody teenager's sharp eyes instantly stopped a rose that wasn't quite as rosy as the others. He shouted at the men following him. 'Would you mind waiting here for a second' the men stopped and watched the moody teenager go into the garden and fly over the grass like a butterfly.

He knelt down to the poor rose and said comforting things to it while he viciously moved the branches that were stealing the roses sunlight. He said to them menacingly 'don't you ever do that again, I'm watching you.' Then he fluttered back over the grass and landed by the biggest man who was looking at him with a deep love because of the massive paycheck he was going to bring.

The moody teenager looked at him once then said 'Aww poor Gaster I've got a gift for you' Gaster smiled disbelievingly holding his hands out for the gift.

The moody teenager gently placed it there still holding it in his fist he looked up 'You must promise me one thing' he said seriously, Gaster instantly began nodding. 'You will do exactly what it says' Gaster still hadn't stopped nodding and his team were _slightly_ concerned for his health.

The moody teenager suddenly ran off leaving the round iPod in Gasters hand. The iPod began to speak and everyone listened eagerly in case it was a key to some hidden gold

'You can run after him in' they sagged '5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1- _Do the splits_.'

The air was suddenly filled with the adorable sound of many jean crotches ripping.

'Sorry wrong music this is it' 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 **FREEZE'**

5 men froze, ice covering their skin 'Oops unfreeze' they thawed but were left sopping wet listening to the iPod's laughter.

Two of the men began to stomp away like happy rhinos

'Don't leave' the iPod said tear fully and they turned round 'I've found the right track listen: 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 **RUN**'

They all ran. But the device didn't stop talking 'YAY I've always wanted to do that so I could do this:'

A_ long_ pause.

'**BOOM' **There was a crater in the street already filling up with water like a road-center pond.

On the surface 5 achy skeletons stood for a second before a butterfly fluttered through and they dissipated.

The butterfly landed and the moody teenager said to something in his hand 'good froggy I told you I'd make you a place to live before gently lowering the cute coldblooded froggy into the pond.

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**A/N: Yeah so I hope you liked it and please don't criticize (not that anyone has)**

**But if you do I would first like proof that you have written an at least half decent _fairy tale_ fight scene. Its harder than you think (if anyone does/has please tell me about it, I would love to see it)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: It's short and a filler I know, but I'm just posting to prove I'm alive while writing the next chapter of Kidnapped with enemies it's surprisingly difficult and it's taking a while.**

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The next day Alex was cheerfully eating his cheerios' when 'It's a beautiful day' began playing from a phone with a sun shaped case.

He cheerfully pressed the green button and the voice of the grey man came through turning the case from a sunny yellow to a dull grey. The grey voice said the words "Come in." and Alex knew what to do.

He skipped over to a very Royal and very General bank and ran up the stairs into the greyest office there.

The grey man Blunt was sitting there and as Alex walked in he began to glow in colors that fought hard against the grey.

They were drawing for the moment but they fought as hard as they could. Eventually the grey man Blunt stopped fighting for a second to give his ultimate grey news after he saw he was losing.

"You're going to Brecon Beacons," the color instantly disappeared and the grey quickly overtook it thickening as it got closer to the colorful boys heart. But one small patch of color remained, as always and the grey retreated in disappointment (grey disappointment, _obviously_).

"Brecon Beacons" The grey man repeated and dully breathed out as the grey once again dominated.

"Brecon Beacons, Brecon Beacons"

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**A/N: This will not be an Alex at BB fic I just though that K-Unit would make fantastic dwarves. I don't know if Alex will cook and clean though, what do you think?**


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